Disappearing Acts

My roommate asked if I was suicidal…. I said no.

She stated that I had been in this depressed state since starting my transition…. and I agreed.

Its finally letting out all the pain subsided inside of me, years on top of years of hidden pain that needed to be released. Breaking down the foundation based on what other people think/felt about me and me wanting to do right by them because without them I didn’t know how to survive, holding onto those people who hurt me, felt it was ok to walk all over me and take advantage of my kindness. It is realizing that at 20 I needed to go back to square one, to destroy and rebuild.

It is difficult letting go of the ones you love. It is difficult coming to terms with the fact that your are not in the right state of mind to be that giving helping person that swallowed every personal issue alive, and it is damn sure difficult coming to terms with a secret that you have hidden from your own self for 10+ years.

Blossoming into a (beauti)ful(l) woman who inside had this youthful, timid/shy, ideal, ambitious, dreamer little boy who is 10 years old, with saggin’ blue slacks, sneakers, white polo uniform shirt, who loved kickball, chorus, and his violin. Everyone I know to this day just wants that girl…

I want that little boy to live.

I don’t dismiss that girl, I don’t hate her, I don’t regret her…but it was easy to say she was the people’s choice.

My heart’s choice was and will always be that little boy… and his name is Trey. 

Somehow I have to connect the two. I cannot go back to middle school and relive those years. Nor will I be feminine, and identify as a woman. 

The hardest thing was coming to terms that my whole dad’s side of the family, except my niece, is invisible. My brother cannot look me in the eyes. My family thinks I will live the stereotype of a black man, selling drugs, gangs, killing people…WHAT THE FUCK DID I LEAVE PITTSBURGH FOR!?!?!? I have already touched that side and decided to play that damn violin and take my ass to college somewhere…shit.

It was hard losing my girlfriend of 4 years, attaching onto someone who held similar qualities but was in a fucked up situation that fucked up alot of my friendships ending my junior and beginning my senior years of college. It was hard breaking that attachment, in which the way I did it, I don’t regret… I just wish one day she could remain being that really good friend…

But it will never happen that way, that bridge went up into flames hours ago.

And I had my one chance for change, but the puzzle piece did not fit correctly, forcing it in just lead to destruction. And now… I can’t even find anywhere that would even give my degree or knowledge a chance. 

Man, I know I sound repetitive in all the shit that has occurred, and I am certain that my followers are so sick and tired of my sap story of my life that is quickly falling apart, once again. But I know I need to work on this communication thing, this trust thing, and this health thing… for myself. 

I just wish I had some direction…